Breaking Generational Cycles

Our fathers sinned and are no more, but we bear their iniquities.
(Lamentations 5:7)

Writing this post has helped me to realize things about myself that I had never thought about before. But more importantly, God has shown me the influence of my childhood upbringing and socialization on my parenting practices. The truth of the matter is that some of my practices disappoint me and I sometimes wonder why I keep doing things that I don’t approve of.  Subsequent to a period of introspection, God revealed something profound to me about myself. 

I am always appreciative of all the miracles God has allowed me to experience. I cherish them every day and remind myself of all the blessings I am given. However, there is one thing that constantly plagues me – my lack of patience. It leaves me feeling stagnant and trapped. While this problem has been appearing in different stages of my life, it has gotten more problematic since I became a parent. I have also noticed that it is starting to affect how I parent my children.

“I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.  And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good.  As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.  For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do – this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.”
(Romans 7:15-20)

I shared this issue with my family and friends, searching for some answers or ways to help combat this issue, but the advice I receive or my follow through is usually temporary and I quickly find myself back in the same headspace. But after beseeching God for the millionth time about the matter, I was given a glimmer of hope. However, this hope took me on an unexpected journey back to my childhood.

I know it might be difficult to admit but becoming a parent often brings back memories of one’s upbringing. Thus, it causes us to do things we said we would never do as parents – those things our parent(s) may have done at some point that we didn’t like or appreciate. In fact, the way someone is raised shapes his or her attitude, responses and reactions. Consequently, how we are raised also affects the way we parent our children. Sometimes we do things subconsciously and may not even be aware of what we do, but at other times it is pretty obvious. For me, impatience and intolerance for imperfection, which is a carryover from my relationship with my father, started to show in the interactions with my children.

Now, as I look back to my own childhood, I see how being “Ms. Perfect” or the best at everything was something I practiced more often than I would like to admit. But being “perfect” wasn’t about preserving my parent’s (father’s) legacy or protecting my family’s name; my dad simply took pride in the accomplishments of his children. Having that as a backdrop, I worked extremely hard not to disappoint him. My father was also a man of high moral standards and he believed that a child should be seen but not heard. He was also very impatient and despised tardiness and disobedience.

Growing up, I had very few things I could call my own. In my family, it was all about sharing because there was never enough. Furthermore, it made us appreciate the little things in life a whole lot more. At the age of fifteen, I acquired my first bedroom. Though it may not seem like a huge deal, it was a defining moment for me. I finally felt like I was in control and I made sure everyone knew this was my personal space. I spent hours cleaning my room and making sure everything was neatly packed away. I would get infuriated whenever a family member or friend interfered with anything in my bedroom. I had to control all the variables.

As I got older, I began competing in track and field. I competed only to win; nothing was just for fun. The fact that I would not take part in an event or activity if there was a slight inclination that I might not win proves how competitive I was. That attitude pushed me to train whenever others were having fun. I would sometimes train multiple times a day or on the weekends when I should be resting. I didn’t let anything get in the way of my goals. I simply had to be the best at everything I did, or I wouldn’t do it at all.

For example, if I was in a modeling or fashion show competition, I would spend several hours a day rehearsing my walk, my speech, how to stand, and even how to sit. My life as a young adult was all about making sure I was always the best. The quote “Enjoy the road, not the destination!” did not work for me. The destination was the only thing I looked forward to. I didn’t take pleasure in any activity, only in the final results, which had to be good.

Now, I am a mom and I am seeing the manifestations of those same traits crawling back in my life, or more precisely, into the lives of my children through me. I feel trapped most days because it’s impossible for every single thing in my life to be perfect, and my mind completely focuses on things that could be better, rather than on things that are good already. I feel as though I am suffocating myself because I can’t seem to break free from this bondage of perfectionism and over-disciplining. Some days I feel like I forget to give love to my children because I am so focused on them being “perfect” and well-disciplined. I push them hard to be academically successful because, in my mind, no one took the time to make sure I was as successful as I wanted to be. I also want them to be clean and neat at all times and just “perfect” in every way. I know that my intentions are good but even I notice that I am putting a huge amount of pressure on my kids with my attitude.

I came to the startling and unwelcomed realization that my five-year-old is going down the same path as me and it’s terrifying. He hates to be told that what he is doing is incorrect. He is extremely competitive and hates losing. He must be the best at everything he is doing, even the smallest things. He refuses to engage in activities that could make him lose because he is too afraid of any kind of loss.

Throughout this journey, God opened my eyes and gave me some insight which led me to compare my upbringing as a child to my parenting habits as a mom. As a result, I have come to a significant conclusion. He needed me to see that the ways of my sinfulness, intolerance, and perfection go much deeper than I had imagined. Adults who endured physical and emotional abuse as children are more likely to repeat those patterns with their own offspring and the same is true with generational dysfunctions. 

Thanks to the discovery I made, I am now working hard on keeping my impatience under control. This issue is way more serious than it seems, simply because it affects more than one person. In my case, my dad’s intolerance affected me and, in my case, it affects my children. But there is power in the name of Jesus to break every generational cycle, and that is what I am going to do. With God’s help and in His strength, I will move from dysfunctional to functional. With God’s help and His strength, I will do my best to break the negative cycles and set a positive example for my children and for future generations to emulate. You can also do the same. I encourage you today to be patient with yourself because unlearning any behavioral dysfunctions will take considerable time and effort.

“But from everlasting to everlasting the Lord’s love is with those who fear him,
and his righteousness with their children’s children.”
(Psalm 103:17).