Romans 8: 38 “And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.”
Growing up, I have always been an individual who subscribed to “self-preservation,” and yes most of us do, and there is a time and a place for it, but when “self-preservation starts to impact your marriage (intimacy, communication, and time together etc.), it’s time to re-evaluate your motives. I learned at a very early age to “protect me”, my feelings, and my heart because vulnerability was perceived as a sign of weakness and a “recipe” for others to take advantage of you. But I am thankful to have met Courtney when I did, because all the walls I had built up were broken down and I felt free.
Prior to dating my husband, we shared a friendship that was built on love. It was nonjudgmental, forgiving, and it allowed for mistakes and corrections. Talking for hours was normal on any given day. During those times, I would share with him my dreams, my fears, my desires, losses, guilt and even some of my most gut -wrenching behaviors. Anything that could be talked about, I shared with him. But most importantly, I was myself around him, no stones left unturned, and for the most part he did the same with me. I was vulnerable, and I loved every minute of it because he LOVED ME “inspite” of my past and I loved him even more for loving me. It was during those conversations and times spent together that I experienced unconditional Christ like love.
We enjoyed each other’s company; we knew all there was to know about each other’s strengths and weaknesses, likes and dislikes, future goals and desires.
Now his wife, and mother to our three beautiful children, I would like to admit that there are days where I find myself falling back into those bad habits: the habits of “self-preservation.” The walls once broken down are being erected again.
So how did I get here? I am forced to take a hard look at myself. Why do I feel this way? Why am I once again afraid to share my fears and desires with the man who broke those walls down before? Is it fear of emotional dismissal? Is it fear he might think I am weak? Is it fear he might use my fears or weaknesses against me? Am I afraid he might respond critically or condescendingly to my request? Is it unmet needs due to un-communicated expectations?
I allowed myself to be consumed by the “busyness” of life…but is life really that busy? I believe we just convinced ourselves that we are that busy. But we can ALWAYS make time for God.
Truth be told, it is a little of all of the above. However, the biggest reason was, I took my eyes off God. Yes, I did. I stopped making time for God. My personal devotional life wasn’t where it needed to be, and I began to look to my husband to fulfill that which only God can do. When those needs weren’t met then I began to pine after his approval and attention-but what he heard was me nagging. It’s important to understand that in all relationships especially marriages, when vulnerability is met with rejection (even if it is perceived) it often leads to pain. That can push both the husband and wife to naturally move away from sharing and toward protecting one self.
Thus, I began to withdraw: thinking he was dismissing my emotional needs and I became disappointed and at times frustrated. But God’s word is clear: “He who trusts his own heart is a fool” Proverbs 28:26; and “cursed is the man who trusts in mankind and makes flesh his strength.” Jeremiah 17:5
So, as the Holy Spirit began to reveal to me the errors of my ways, I began to pour out my heart to God it was then I was led to what would become one of my favorite Bible texts: “But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.” Matthew 6:33
No longer do I look to my husband for spiritual fulfillment (he is the priest of our home and is respected as such), but God is my source of strength; to Him, I take all my concerns about my marriage in prayer. I began to ask Him to change me, to bless my marriage and to reduce the conflicts in our marriage, and to grant us peace and security in each other’s love, joy, fun, and intimacy.
CHANGE TAKES TIME….
The closer I got to Christ, the less power fear had over me. I began to feel God’s continual presence-his strength, his comfort, and his guidance. I began to hope for true transformation, recognizing that it won’t come through my own efforts or from my husband. I also realize that my marriage will change only when I trust God to change me. And as I began to trust God to change me, I began to be the kind of wife my husband needs, and our marriage began to grow stronger as a result. No longer am I afraid to share my deepest needs with my husband, and slowly I am beginning to trust him with my heart again.
Ultimately this produces an environment of trust, allowing each other to feel safe to share more.
1 John 4:18 “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear”
