If it were left up to me, I probably would not have chosen my Husband

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11“

The Bible is filled with individuals who for one reason or another felt the need to disobey God’s instructions. There are also several individuals who believe they could run away from God after He gave them an assignment or specific instructions to carry out a task-Jonah, Moses, Gideon, and Jeremiah are just a few of them. One of those stories–the story of Jonah, just so happens to be my favorite Bible story. The interesting thing about the story and why I love it is the outcome and not so much the process. You see, God had a plan to save the people of Nineveh and He decided whom He would use to carry out His mission. Regardless of whether Jonah was compliant with the Divine directive or not, God knew who was the BEST man for the job, and it was Jonah.

As the story reveals in the Old Testament book of Jonah, EVERY LAST ONE of the Ninevites WERE SAVED once Jonah repented of his disobedience to God after which he was led to bring the message God had given him to the people of Nineveh (Jonah 1-4). Perhaps I love this story so much because I can relate in so many ways to this man of God and because I realize that God often speaks to us, but many times we either don’t care to listen or we are just uneasy or stubborn about following up with the way He desires to lead us.

In hindsight, I must admit that my own life story is a little like Jonah’s. You see, God made it clear to me that my husband was the man I should marry but like Jonah, I kept running away. Three times I declined his attempted proposal, finding every excuse I could come up with to avoid the process. I fussed about the rings and complained that I didn’t love the rings because they were either too expensive (I wasn’t even the one paying for it), too flashy, or they were just not made up of the right material (I made sure that he knew that I didn’t like white gold). Oh man, wow! The strange thing was that I genuinely loved him and knew in my heart that he was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I know you’re probably thinking that I must have been crazy to make such statements in response to his honest, loving attempts at proposing to me. Right? I know that it might even seem a little contradictory for me to say that I love him since I kept declining his proposals. But it’s true and I knew it.

No one can truly understand the gravity of my past pain because I am not able to put everything into words; some things I have had to leave at the secret throne of God. Conversely, not everyone will be able to fully understand my praise.

Throughout my life I have had some amazing experiences and equally amazing people who supported me on my journey; individuals who sacrificed their time and invested their money so that I could advance my education and career; individuals who loved me and wanted to see me succeed; individuals who believed in me before I knew what it meant to believe in my myself, or who kept on believing in me during times when I stopped believing in myself; individuals who gave me a home in their heart so that I could experience love. I do not have words to truly express my undying gratitude to each and every one of them.

Amid all these wonderful blessings, I would be lying if I didn’t mention that there were days, if not months, probably even years, at different intervals throughout my life, when I experienced feelings of hopelessness and despair. There were many days when I wished the nights would never end so that I wouldn’t have to face the ridicules of bullying at school-I didn’t know that was what it was called then. Years of feeling unloved and unworthy; years of feeling rejected and unwanted, even though I fully recognized that my life wasn’t the worst, that didn’t change or take away the pain my heart was feeling. But it was during some of those difficult seasons that I felt God’s hands on my life. I will tell you, that is the only reason I survived.

Interestingly enough, although I recognized that God was the One protecting me, I didn’t really know Him personally. I always read my Bible, prayed and occasionally attended church, but I didn’t have the greatest relationship with Him. So, I kept going back into the proverbial driver’s seat, always taking “control” of my life, never truly relinquishing control and fully trusting God to lead me. Hence, my feeble attempt at trying to control my future.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

This attitude of wanting to be in control and not being willing to submit extended itself into my marriage and caused a lot of unnecessary pain. When I was a child, God’s hands were on my life, and in adulthood, I realized that His hands were still on me and my marriage even after all I had endured. It took me almost seven years to truly accept beyond a shadow of a doubt that my life and marriage were absolutely where God needed me to be even though God had given me/us the confirmation before we got married.

You might ask why so long? Or what was the confirmation?

Well, first, I kept on living in the past and refused to accept my present and future. Additionally, whenever things got difficult, I would question God about whether my husband is truly my life partner. I also had false ideations and expectations about marriage, mine included. I thought it was supposed to be perfect- not sure where I got that idea from. I didn’t know that married couples argue and “fight” and if they did that it was such a constant thing. So, whenever we disagreed on issues, I just didn’t know what to do and before long a small issue could explode into something bigger.

I also knew that he made me angry and I annoyed him plenty as well. We seldom agreed on financial matters, but we are working on this now. We have very different parenting styles, in that, he is calm and relaxed: a little too relaxed for me at times. I, on the other hand, am forceful and require way too much perfection from my children. He is messy and I am USED to being border-line obsessive compulsive; however, having children changed that . He is a planner and very detail- oriented and I live life on “crazy” faith. These are some of our differences, to name a few. It’s been said that “opposites attract” and we are truly the complete opposite of each other; it’s beautifully chaotic.

Time and time again, I asked God if He was sure Courtney was the man I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with. But the answer wasn’t coming and so I kept on asking. You see we like when God works according to our timing, but He doesn’t, either because we are not mature enough to accept His answer(s) or because He can’t trust us with the truth.

However, that all changed during one of my complaining sessions to God. This time it wasn’t during my devotional time, no, it was while I was taking a shower. After all, it’s the only place where I find a bit of quiet these days. He showed me why He ordained my marriage to the man I now call my best friend, confidant and husband. In an effort to make sure I did not forget I turned off the shower and picked up my phone and wrote His answer down. In the most loving and heartwarming way he said:

“Courtney is the vessel that I used to save you.” “By marrying Courtney, I have saved you from a life of perpetual sinning; a life of bondage; a life without direction and purpose; a life of compromising; a life of accepting less than you deserve; a life of wants and life of betrayal; a life of settling, and a life of lying.”

Prior to meeting my husband, I lived a life contrary to the calling of God. Once we began dating, I re-dedicated my heart to God and one year later I re-committed my life to Him through baptism.

Like God who is persistent in His love for us and not wanting any of us to perish, but desiring everyone to come to repentance (2 Peter 3:9), my future husband was persistent and steadfast in his chase and love of his future bride. As we reflect upon Jonah’s life, God would not allow his temporary disobedience to derail His plans of saving the people of Nineveh. In the same manner, it was God’s plan to save me all along through my husband’s love and persistence. I am thankful God was persistent.

My husband is far from perfect as you can tell, but so am I. But this life is not about who is perfect, it is about God and His Kingdom. It is about saving us. God will use the most uncomfortable situations or the person you least expect to bring you into His fold. Thank God for my husband.

So, when your marriage feels like an uphill battle, when nothing is going the way you imagined or planned, I pray that you won’t be like Jonah or I and run away or try to hide or avoid the inevitable. Take time to remember the bondage God took you from and ask Him to open your eyes so that you can see the blessing in the spouse He has gifted you with. Search your heart; search your soul; and when you are done searching, decide whether or not your marriage is worth fighting for.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6

I HAVE NO RIGHTS TO THIS SONG