I am the youngest of twenty three siblings, so family is very important to me. We did not all live together but my family was still very close-knitted. Unfortunately, tragedy struck when I was only seven years old; my mother got sick and within a mere three months she passed away. My world, as I remembered it was shattered and the next nine years would be undeniably the most painful and difficult years of my life. I found myself living anywhere and with anyone with whom I believe would love me and provide a stable home for me, but I never found true love or a stable home. I was often left heartbroken and feeling unloved and unwanted. The physical, emotional, and verbal abuse inflicted upon me at the hands of those who were suppose to love and protect me left me feeling incapacitated. It was during those days when life seemed darkest that I made a vow that if I ever became a mom I would do everything in my power to make sure my children never feel the way I did. I promised myself that I would never ask anyone to care for my children out of fear that they might mistreat or subject them to the gross maltreatment I experienced as a child.
This instability robbed me of my childhood and forced me to grow up quickly. My brain quickly went into survival mode. I felt I had to protect my myself and all the children around me and at sixteen years old I decided I wanted to help children who are from broken homes and families. This led me to teaching but two years into my teaching degree I realized that it was not my calling and that was not where God wanted me to be. But just before finishing up my undergraduate degree, I was introduced to counseling by my then friend and who is now my husband, Courtney. It was in the very first class of my graduate studies that my life changed forever. I found my purpose!!! I am going to be a counselor!!! I can finally be the voice for those children who are hurting. I can finally be the voice who will speak on their behalf. The voice that will set the stage to protect them from the cruel mistreatment of those who are suppose to protect them.
Life as a student and athlete was extremely busy, but 
I still wanted to get married and having a family was a lifelong dream of mine. I planned out every detail of my life and that of my children. In my dream, my kids would be “perfect” beautiful, obedient, intelligent, loving and kind; they would love the Lord and would bring smiles to everyone they meet. On December 12, 2012, the Lord answered my childhood dream prayer and I got married to my best friend and the man of my dreams. A few short months later we were expecting our first bundle of joy. And in May 2014 we welcomed our first son. In September 2016 our second son was born and in June 2018 our unexpected miracle baby girl entered this world. Life was crazy, busy, joyful, overwhelming, and stressful, with many sleepless nights and many nights where I cried myself to sleep overwhelmed from the day’s “fight” with my children and my perceived husband’s lack of support.
My world was once again shattered.
My dreams and expectations about being a wife and mother was nothing like I had dreamed it would be. It was difficult, overwhelming, and “downright” stressful most of the time. It shouldn’t be this hard, I felt. No one told me it would be so daunting and wearisome. I believed wholeheartedly it would be easy, that my children would be “perfect” that my husband would be “perfect” that he would be more hands on with the children, and that life would be simple.
I began to get frustrated, overly impatient, angry, and I shouted more than I spoke calmly. Nothing was going the way I dreamed it would be. My heart was being broken from the constant arguments with my husband about how I discipline the children, about our finances, about me working outside the home, about me being the cause of our children’s behaviors. I was disappointed in myself. How could I have gotten it so wrong, I felt? I prayed for and with my children every day. I arose early in the mornings and studied the word of God. I/we had nightly worship with the children and I even fasted occasionally. Am I being punished for my past sins? Am I not thankful for all the blessings God has given me? A thousand thoughts filled my head each day, and time seemed to be my worst enemy.
This is not who I am. I don’t like who I have become and I wanted so badly to change for them to be the best wife and mom to and for them, but every day I felt like I failed them. I watched my children’s behaviors get progressively worse. I watched myself become isolated from my husband and I gave up on praying-what’s the sense, nothing is changing.
But the worst was yet to come. Self-inflicted hopelessness, disappointment, and constant criticism led me down a path to self-centeredness and a critical spirit. No longer was my husband worthy of my respect or love, nothing he did was good enough. I couldn’t keep on top of the laundry. My house was and still is a constant mess. I am used to my house being clean, and in order. You could say I have a touch of Obsessive-compulsive disorder, OCD. Sometimes I can barely get dinner on the table. As soon as I get on top of organizing our home, my husband says we are moving again (my childhood worst nightmare has caught up to me again).
I love our growing family, but all too often I am too tired and overwhelmed to show them that love in the way I want to. The phrase “I’m not cut out for motherhood” is becoming my motto and my daily taunt. My heart is breaking. My children’s behaviors have become my focus of attention. I have taken my eyes off God. This emptiness in my heart my husband cannot fill. I need God and I need Him now. What am I going to do? I cannot let this escalate any further.
This self-professed perfectionist has hit rock bottom. It was then that the Holy Spirit lead me to Psalm 37:23-25 “The Lord makes firm the steps of the one who delights in him; though he may stumble, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with his hand, I was young and now I am old, yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken or their children begging bread.”
In that moment I was reminded of God’s perfect love. In that moment, I returned to my first true love, in that moment I was reminded that “there is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit.” Romans 8:1 It was in that moment that God revealed His perfect plan for my life, and in that moment my dream for writing was born.
I pray that my experiences as a wife, a mom, and Christian who recommitted her heart to God because the alternatives were not an option will encourage other wives, mom, and all women around the world.
If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.” Matthew 21:22